Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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