i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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