Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
