Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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