i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize