peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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