hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
