what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
