I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
