I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
