Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
