Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
