Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
