I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize