Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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