the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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