But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
