I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
