it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
not ubering you a puppy
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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