if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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