I looked at my own cervix.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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