just survived the first fart of the relationship.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
