her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
