Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
do nipples grow back?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
