plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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