There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
