dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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