Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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