you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Less talking, more tequila
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
