why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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