good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
