So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
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