there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The beer is more important than you right now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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