When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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