hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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