I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
