I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
