Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
