i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
