"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
