literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
