can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
