I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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