Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
