I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
