you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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