Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize