i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
