Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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