i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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