I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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