she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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