Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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