im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
