someone threw a dead crab at me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
