Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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