I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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