i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I supernannyed him into submission
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
